It is completely natural for parents to do everything in their power to keep their children and teens, safe, healthy and thriving. Children rely on caregivers for guidance and understanding of their abilities and emotions. They need parents who are sensitive to their needs, who recognize when they are capable of managing situations and who will assist with challenges. The appropriate balance of guidance helps children develop the skills needed to eventually survive on their own. As children become teenagers, they require the space and opportunity to make decisions -both good and bad – so that they learn from experiences. This is critical to healthy adolescent development and overall social, emotional and academic success.
In recent decades, a new parenting phenomenon has emerged, in which some parents adopt a more intrusive and controlling style of supervision. Parents who insist on performing tasks their teens are capable of doing alone; including making their schedules, micro-managing their homework or studies, contacting teachers for clarification on assignments or grades or directly intervening in every friend-related disagreement. These over-controlling behaviours negatively affect a teen’s overall development, thus creating under-functioning young adults.
“Helicopter parenting” is the term used to describe this form of hyper-parenting. Helicopter parents literally take over all (or most) aspects of their teen’s daily functioning, interactions and lives. They believe that they can ensure the future success of their teens by clearing every path and smoothing every bump along the road to achievement. Such parents tend to be excessively happy and celebratory at successes and likewise over-react angrily when mistakes are made, or results are not “up to standard”. Each outcome is considered a personal success or failure of their parenting. These are the parents that type and print their 15yr old’s notes so that they are “easier for them to study”. The fathers who dictate to coaches how to train their sons. The mothers who constantly text message teachers to complain about grades.
Although often rooted in good intention, this approach to parenting communicates to young people in subtle (or not-so-subtle) ways that they cannot do anything unless mom or dad is there looking out and helping them. Routines, conflicts, victories and losses all require direct parental involvement and a type of learned helplessness develops. When these teens then have to go off on their own to university or the world of work, they are not prepared to meet daily challenges. They are unable to manage their time, create solutions or make decisions on their own since their protectors are no longer around.
Teens with overly intrusive parents who have unreasonably high expectations also have an increased risk of becoming self-critical, anxious, or depressed. They become afraid of making mistakes and blame themselves for imperfections. This happens because their parents are essentially—whether by their words or actions—indicating that what they do is never good enough and that they always need help. Subconsciously they become aware that they do very little on their own, and so develop a fear of trying. In addition, with every battle fought and won, (by their parents) the teens are not taught the skills to function independently or to accept that both success and failure will happen to everyone. This can lead to an overwhelming fear of failure which can cripple the willingness to try. If teens do not have the freedom to learn about the world and discover their purpose and what makes them happy, they will struggle to find happiness and live a balanced life—all impacting their mental health.
Breaking the helicopter habit
All parents know that parenting is a process. A process filled with innumerable challenges and surprises, but also immense joy and connection. Parents want the best for their children and teens; but it certainly possible to “over-parent” and cause different problems. Following is some advice for parents who tend to be a bit-too-overly-involved:
- Support your teen’s growth and independence by listening to them, and not always pushing your desires or trying to adjust their point of view to be closer to yours.
- Refrain from doing everything for your teen. This includes checking all of their homework, projects, SBA’s and deadlines. When they enter Secondary School, they should assume this responsibility. They must learn that failure to be organized and disciplined will lead to less desirable results. They will never have this lesson if their parents do the work for them.By all means, ask questions, be aware and supervise them, but also take steps to gradually teach them how to accomplish tasks on their own.
- Do not shield your teens from the consequences for their actions. We all learn from the pleasures and pains of life. If you believe a consequence to be unfair or life-altering, by all means intervene; however they must be able to experience all aspects of living.
- Do not raise your teen to expect to be treated differently compared to others. Overly indulgent parents can create young people who are narcissistic, self-absorbed and actually believe that the rules of the universe do not apply to them.By packing their bags, or cleaning their shoes to “save time”, they essentially learn that someone else will always take care of their basic needs and they are not required to do so. This sets the stage for numerous relationship problems in their future lives.
- Give your teens the space to live their lives. You are their parent, and this is not your second chance at being a teen. Your unfulfilled dreams or wishes, are yours. Allow your teen to discover themselves—their weaknesses, strengths, their goals and dreams. You can help them succeed, but you should also let them fail. Teach them how to try again. Learning what failure means, how it feels, and how to bounce back is an important part of becoming independent in our world.
