Loss and grief are unifying experiences of humanity. At some point, we will all face the death of someone we love; or loss of a significant relationship, opportunity or commodity which permanently changes our lives. The global pandemic has added to our collective grief. For adolescents, grief can be particularly painful and overwhelming. They are expected to simultaneously navigate development while dealing with major change. The support of parents, caring adults and peers is essential to their adaptation to grief. The first step is understanding the approach to grief in teens, and recognizing that losses apart from death can lead to similar grief reactions.
Losses vary
While the death of a family member or loved one is the most typical and expected cause of grief, we must recognize that several non-death losses trigger similar or even more profound grief reactions. For teenagers, a broken friendship, unrequited first-love, failed examination, medical diagnosis or injury due to accident can all cause distinct tangible and intangible losses for which young people will grieve. Anything that permanently changes life in an unwanted way may be considered a loss. Grief is complex. It will vary from teen to teen; but for everyone, grief hurts. Parents should adjust the lens through which they assess major events in their teen’s life. While they may consider an event to be “no big deal”, it is critical to recognize the value of the event to the young person, and thus understand how they are processing the change. This is essential to helping their resilience.
Make no assumptions
Due to the rapid physical development of teenagers, mixed with loud and bold personalities, parents often mistakenly assign inappropriate maturity and readiness of their teens to deal with difficult life situations. Although young people may declare that they are “ok” and “can handle anything”, in reality they need support. Parents are cautioned not to place excessive expectations on young people to “be strong” or even assume adult roles in times of grief. They require the nurturing and patience of parents who are engaged, attentive and non-judgemental.
Express emotions
Sadly, we continue to exist in a culture in which many adults discourage teens from sharing their grief. Many adults themselves struggle to verbalize the pain they feel. The reality is, grief hurts. For everyone. Bereaved teens often give all types of signals that they are struggling with complex feelings, yet are often pressured to act as if they are doing better than they actually are. This complicates the grieving process and can lead to prolonged grieving and additional mental health concerns. Give them a safe space to be authentic. Allow them to cry, talk about their feelings and explain. Help them accept the reality of the situation while providing opportunities, where appropriate to restore themselves and continue forward.
Expect oscillations
The natural responses to death and loss, even in adults include periods of numbness and despair mixed with times of happy recollections and humour. This is no different for teenagers, except that largely these emotional swings may be deeper and more profound. Expect the range of emotions from happy, to angry, to tearful to calm. In the immediate weeks after a loss, these are natural. When teens experience sudden deaths, as has unfortunately become more common during these times, they may be reclusive and numb and unable to process the loss. Feeling dazed is part of the early grief experience. Allow them the time to come to terms with the changes and the space to express themselves.
Deep personal losses
When teenagers experience the death of a parent, sibling, close family member or friend they become introspective. They often start to question their own mortality, the meaning of life and other existential concepts. Older teenagers have the capacity for abstract thinking and deep losses very typically unearth a range of self-examination ideas. This can be a source of conflict if they rebel or resist religious or cultural activities. These behaviours are actually a part of their attempts to reconcile the pain they feel and a reality which does not make sense but yet has to be accepted. For parents this can be particularly challenging as they too may be grieving. A whole family approach is often most successful in supporting all through the difficult process while giving each the space to individually express the impact of the loss.
It takes time
Some authors suggest that grief never completely resolves. Nevertheless it is expected that the acute pain and distress will subside to allow healthy grief recovery and adaptation to a fully functioning life. For teenagers, the hope is that they are able adapt and adjust with positive memories of those lost, or a learning experience from which they can move forward. These processes require time for young people to first come to terms with the loss, feel the acute pain and then integrate the loss into their identity while moving forward. Grief should never be suppressed or ignored. It is a universal human experience. With an appreciation of how teenagers process grief we are best suited to ensure their resilient movement into adulthood.
