The death of a parent has a profound effect on the life of a teenager. Healthy adolescent development largely depends on parental guidance and support. When a teenager loses a parent, it is typically difficult for them to cope with their grief. Complicating matters is that fact that young people will demonstrate their grief in different ways compared to adults. This makes it sometimes difficult for adults to counsel adolescents on grief and loss because of the unique challenges facing young people as they are navigating their way into adulthood.
The death of a parent during the teenage years can leave a teen feeling unsafe and insecure. They may feel a sense of confusion and abandonment and find it difficult to trust those around them. In general, carers can anticipate dramatic behavioural changes which can oscillate from acting out, aggression and anger to extreme reclusion, silence and avoidance. Naturally there are variations which results from whether the death was anticipated or due to a long standing illness, compared to sudden, unexpected to trauma-related deaths.
For some young people, the loss of a parent results in tremendous pressure (often self-imposed) to assume a parental role for younger siblings. This only complicates the grief process as youth require time and skills to manage their emotions and process their losses before attempting to take on additional responsibilities. Others respond by attempting to ignore their pain and thrusting themselves in to overly competitive environments at school or sport. This represents another form of avoidance which may only delay healthy coping with the loss. Finally, many young people engage in extreme risk taking behaviour, including substance use, truancy or promiscuity as all responses to their emotional distress.
While even prolonged periods of sadness are normal and to be expected following the death of a parent, carers must be aware that depression, post-traumatic stress disorder or other mental health concerns can emerge and complicate a grief process. When persisting sadness, inability to function or thoughts of death continue for many months post event, professional support is required. The emergence of mental illness following grief should not be ignored. It is expected that emotional distress will occur but without treatment co-occurring mental illness only worsens and leads to poor overall outcomes.
Guilt after loss comes in different forms. One common form of guilt during bereavement is known as survivor’s guilt. Feeling guilty that your parent died instead of you is a typical teen-loss reaction in cases car accidents or other group trauma experiences. In these instances young people may seem obsessed with death and often articulate that they should have been the one to die instead.
It is important to recognize that the loss of a parent will represent primary and secondary losses for young people. In addition to the pain of the physical loss of a loved one, parental death often affects financial stability, housing, family structure and can lead to dramatic changes including step-parents and siblings or relocation. All of these changes will be likely out of the control of the young person and this lack of control in itself incites added frustration and emotional distress.
While there is no short-cut or easy way to cope which such a devastating loss, it is essential that specific strategies are used when supporting young people in this context. Youth require honesty and information. Give teenagers clear and unambiguous details surrounding the death of their parent and in manageable chunks. Be specific on expectations in the days and weeks following their parent’s death. A lack of accurate information over how the parent died or the circumstances leaves young people anxious, suspicious and less likely to trust new or remaining carers in their lives.
Teenagers also require reassurance. Again and again. It is natural to wonder and think about “what could have been”; but it is important to remind young people that the death of their parent is not their fault. Many young people will not be readily forthcoming with these thoughts. Careful listening and watching for nonverbal cues about how your teen is feeling is required.
When feelings are expressed it is critical that young people feel that their feelings are valid. Give them the space to be authentic and help them process their overwhelming feelings. During times of extreme despair, youth require the space to express themselves within the boundaries of what is considered acceptable behaviour.
Involvement and inclusion are critical. Allow young people to be involved in decision making, planning memorials, and other activities to help them with their feelings. Even if they are unable to at the moment, there are always many opportunities to celebrate life and the memories of those departed. Make such opportunities part of the fabric of family life. Grief is universal, yet unique. Allow each young person the time, space and ability to grieve in their way, with unending support.
