Adolescents accept and love themselves unconditionally when they receive consistent and balanced feedback from the significant people in their lives. They need reassurance that they are worthy of love and deserve respect from themselves and others in all circumstances. This does not mean that they should hear only positive things, at all times. Excessive adulation denies young people of the opportunity to critically reflect upon difficult moments or areas within which improvement is required. Nevertheless, in a world where so much emphasis is placed on perfection and high performance, young people need to develop a sense of acceptance and contentment.
Adolescence involves the tenuous process of self-identity development. Issues including body image, relationships, and accomplishments are of the highest importance to young people. As such, when they feel as if they do not measure up or are “not enough”, profound frustration and sadness can develop. Parents are encouraged to employ strategies to reinforce to tweens and teens, the things that they can do, and to recognize who they actually are, as mechanisms to highlight their unique characteristics and how the wider world can benefit from their presence and influence.
Young people learn the patterns of self-acceptance based on their experiences of being parented. Narrative research has shown that inconsistent parenting yields ambivalent or insecure attachment in children and adolescents. This leads them to constantly doubt themselves or their abilities and remain dissatisfied overall. While success and positive outcomes should naturally be recognized, parents should exercise caution to ensure that their teens receive balanced feedback due to efforts, persistence and tenacity and not only when excellent results are obtained.
Through exposure to a diversity of opportunity and skill development, teenagers are able to open themselves to experiences and talents that they may have thought out-of-range. Through the difficult moments, they learn where their natural inclinations may not be, and similarly through successes they recognize particular gifts. The balance of both experiences is critical. There is a tendency for modern parents to “cherry pick” experiences for young people, that they believe will lead to excellence. While the kudos received do support self-esteem and self-worth, they can inadvertently create the false narrative that perfection is possible.
Self-acceptance involves the recognition of that which works well, and that which requires more work. Both are rooted in the overall recognition that the human condition is not perfect. In our post-pandemic world, mental health challenges are being unearthed in large numbers among young people. Even apart from those formally diagnosed, many youth report feelings of worry and general discontent with themselves. While there is no one simple answer to these concerns, a simple and important foundation is that of self-acceptance. With this principle applied, young people can develop the grounding and self-assurance from which they can further launch into life experiences and learning, with the confidence of knowing that they are enough and are capable of great and beautiful accomplishments.
