Patience is a virtue. It is our ability to remain calm and in control despite ongoing adversity, frustration or negative stimulation. During adolescence, reactivity, impulsivity and emotional upheaval occur frequently, and to parents it often feels as if their teen children exist in distress more than at peace. The teen brain is literally wired to be emotionally responsive, which makes it more challenging for some young people to be patient. In addition, our fast-paced technologically driven world has taught young people to expect immediate and gratifying outcomes in life at all times. This is simply impossible. As such, parents need to intentionally teach young people how to be patient. In addition, youth need to recognize that there are several facets of life – relationships, academics, sport – in which despite their best efforts, time and patience will be required in order to achieve desired outcomes.
Beyond just “keeping cool” teaching patience means teaching resilience. Young people thrive when they are able to manage the challenges they face through techniques which allow their judgement and rational thinking to take control. Research has linked patience to mental wellbeing outcomes including reduced rates of depression and anxiety as well as reports of holistic wellbeing. It is difficult to accept that even with consistent efforts, outcomes do not always occur as quickly as we would like. Parents will play an integral role in supporting young people through these experiences, and they themselves need to be able to provide stability and comfort without further exacerbating irritability.
A first step in teaching the art of patience is learning emotional recognition. The ability to identify emotions. In the literal heat of the moment this can be challenging to do; however tweens and teens need to be able to slow down and take note of exactly how they are feeling. Am I angry? Afraid? Disappointed? Uneasy? Each of these emotions feels different and can be addressed uniquely. It is not as straightforward as it may sound. Techniques of mindfulness are essential to help create that pause and space between stimulus and response. Controlled breathing or recognition of emotional cues are not always intuitive and should be demonstrated and modelled by parents.
Next, teens need to be able to think rationally and consider the outcomes of different courses of action. Ideally young people will develop the capacity to cognitively assess a situation, and potentially change the way they regard it or the impact on their feelings. Sometimes, with just a few moments, an ongoing saga may not be as devastating or life defining as emotions make it appear. It involves changing the way they think about a situation to alleviate the emotional burden. From a parental perspective, this requires communication and time. Parents must be able to be present for their teens and be able to listen. Young people do not always want or need advice. More often they need a safe space to vent their feelings and have a trusted adult who is fully engaged and listening.
The next step involves bringing these concepts together and applying them to the “big picture”. Young people generally focus on the moment and are not always able to consider the future ramifications of current actions. This works in both directions. They sometimes do not recognize potential negative outcomes of current choices. Equally, they can catastrophize or exaggerate the effects of often minor events. Patience teaches them that both scenarios can lead to either poor outcomes, or create mental distress unnecessarily. Patience involves a sync between emotional regulation, cognitive control and assessing reality. Like many things in parenting teens, parents need to take time to think of these concepts and create ways to actively guide their teens to new skills. In an every changing and unpredictable world, we all benefit from practicing patience. Take time this weekend to consider this concept and imagine ways in which it can be done in your home.
